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WiLLiSTER · 09-04-2006, 11:14 PM

My opinions:

1) "Many parents and adults walked out of their living rooms and onto their balconies to share a romantic moment with their significant others."
Change to significant other. The way you have it right now makes it as if each of them have several significant others.

2) "Each and every one of them shimmered and shone a pure white light."
Shone is a word? Sounds kinda weird... like something you only say outloud. Try adjusting it to something like "and shined with a pure white light."

Sounds like a Ray Bradbury tale. I wasn't really feeling the style of writing, but I did like where it was headed. How long were you wanting this to be?

09-04-2006, 11:14 PM	#2
WiLLiSTER CARPET BACON WiLLiSTER is offline Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: MontereyPark, CA WiLLiSTER's Collection Posts: 1,302 Marketplace Rating: 2	My opinions: 1) "Many parents and adults walked out of their living rooms and onto their balconies to share a romantic moment with their significant others." Change to significant other. The way you have it right now makes it as if each of them have several significant others. 2) "Each and every one of them shimmered and shone a pure white light." Shone is a word? Sounds kinda weird... like something you only say outloud. Try adjusting it to something like "and shined with a pure white light." Sounds like a Ray Bradbury tale. I wasn't really feeling the style of writing, but I did like where it was headed. How long were you wanting this to be? __________________ Hallå där...