Help God Finish His Story!

[GOD GODDY]

A certain friend of mine was supposed to edit this and help me finish it, but NO. He kept playing MapleStory and lost the file. So now, complete with minor bits of (intentionally) cheesy romance, here is the first draft of "A Wonderful Night."

--

The time was eleven-thirty on a beautiful June 1st night. The youngest of children were already asleep in their beds, hugging their stuffed animals or sucking their thumbs, while the oldest were sitting in front of their computer monitors, chatting with online friends. Slowly, many were beginning to go to bed, as school was in session the following morning. Many adults in the area were relaxing while watching late-night television.

Many parents and adults walked out of their living rooms and onto their balconies to share a romantic moment with their significant others. In one particular household, the commercials had just come on the screen, and the woman of the house said to her husband, "Honey, let us walk out on the balcony. It's a clear night out, and we hardly have any time to ourselves these days."

"You know what? That sounds like a good idea. This show has gotten stale tonight, anyway," the husband replied.

The two of them held hands as they slowly strolled out to their balcony to relax. They stood near the railing and leaned, each placing an arm around the other and resting the opposite arm on the rail. The stars in the sky were brighter than usual, even for a very clear night. Each and every one of them shimmered and shone a pure white light.

A light breeze ruffled the wife's hair as she turned to her husband. "I love you, honey," she said.

"On a night as clear as this, I don't think I could love you any more than now. Kiss me," he poetically quipped. He pulled his wife in closer as he closed his eyes and tilted his head. The two of them kissed gently at first, but not becoming too intense. They did not want to spoil the wonderful moment.

The couple kissed for minutes without pause. By now the two of them each had both arms wrapped around the other, their stomachs touched. One embraced the other for what they thought was a significant amount of time, but they felt as if the kiss had only lasted for no longer than mere seconds. Slowly they separated and opened their eyes. The clock had struck midnight minutes ago.

As the husband took his face away from his wife he examined her face intently. He took in every detail of her radiant beauty for all it was worth. He wanted to cherish the night and remember it for the rest of his life, as another may be years away. He noticed that her face was more vibrant than when the two were kissing. He glanced at the moon and decided it looked ever so slightly larger.

"Dear, the moon is beautiful tonight, but does it look bigger to you?" he asked.

"It matters not, honey. Turn your head and look at me again. I want to see your face just as well."

He turned back to her and they stared once more. Their emotions grew as they looked into each other's pupils, held each other's waists, and breathed each other's breath, subtle with the aroma of mint toothpaste. They stood motionless, absorbing every bit of romance they could out of this wonderful night.

The husband noticed a change of tint on her wife's cheek. Her left cheek was becoming redder with each pasing minute, the rest of her face was catching up. His first thought was that she was blushing, but he dismissed that notion since only one cheek was red.

"Dear, your cheek is red, does it itch?"

"No, I feel fine? How red is it?"

"It has been getting redder ever since we came out here. Perhaps we should go back inside."

It was at this moment that his wife also noticed something. The right side of her husband's face was red in tone. "Honey, your face is red! We should go back inside quickly."

As she said that sentence, her life began to change drastically. The skin on the left side of her face, the side opposite her home, started to bubble. There was no smoke, and she felt no pain at all. She felt no heat coming from her skin, so it couldn't have been inside her.

Her husband look at the sky. The moon had grown even more. It was now more than twice its normal size, and nearly three times brighter. His skin began to bubble as well, and he watched in absolute fright as his wife's face tore itself apart. Her skin folded back as it slowly evaporated into the air, leaving behind no visible traces of it ever having been there. The cold air surrounding them entered their open wounds and cooled their insides, bringing about a massive pain and unreal discomfort.

The two of them screamed in terror as they watched their significant other simply fold up and cringe at their increased sensitivity to the cold weather. Slowly they kneeled to the floor as muscles and blood vessels were revealed to be undamaged. Once the folding skin reached their torsos, their stomachs fell out, hanging by only the organs attached to them. This continued for what was a significant amount of time, and they felt it for longer than mere seconds.

The couple were not the only ones experiencing the pheonomenon. All over the nighttime surface of the planet, people were suffering the same fate. Anyone not shaded from the moonlight had the displeasure of their skin being dissipated and torn up. It was twelve-thirty on this deadly June 2nd morning.

[WiLLiSTER]

My opinions:

1) "Many parents and adults walked out of their living rooms and onto their balconies to share a romantic moment with their significant others."
Change to significant other. The way you have it right now makes it as if each of them have several significant others.

2) "Each and every one of them shimmered and shone a pure white light."
Shone is a word? Sounds kinda weird... like something you only say outloud. Try adjusting it to something like "and shined with a pure white light."


Sounds like a Ray Bradbury tale. I wasn't really feeling the style of writing, but I did like where it was headed. How long were you wanting this to be?

[GOD GODDY]

The plot is done. All I need is a better damn way of ending the story (same concept, better resolution) and little things changed. I write short stories so this length is fine for me unless it has gaps that need fixing.

[ruri]

I hate the way the first line looks because it spells out numbers and then doesn't.

[helix eternal]

Originally Posted by God

here is the first draft of "A Wonderful Night."

Should we listen to the Fatboy Slim song of similar title for full enjoyment of the story?

[mrfinnigan]

"poetically quipped" sounds unusual. You usually don't "quip" when you are trying to be romantic. Also, in the last line, "displeasure" should probably be changed to a more powerful word. Overall, a good story, with an intriguing plotline.

[Eight]

The last two paragraphs need to be torn apart and redone, IMO. You can actually be more graphic with them - describe more deeply how the skin folds, how intense the pain is, etc... right now it seems rather flat, no?

*has no idea how old this thread is*

[Ætheros]

Shone is a word.
Also, I liked it, but i do think that it ended a little abruptly. you gave plenty of details in the beginning of the story, but when it got to the point, it seemed rushed, and even somewhat lazily written. I have this problem as well, i will write something really good, and towards the end i get lazy and try to finish it as soon as possible. I would go back to the end and add more details, but toher than that, i liked it !

[_TAKA]

Originally Posted by ruri

I hate the way the first line looks because it spells out numbers and then doesn't.

Rule of writing, depending on how you start writing the numbers on a piece of writing, whether numerically or by wording, you have to keep it that way throughout the whole writing piece.

First, second, third, fourth = CORRECT
1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 1, 942 = CORRECT
First, second, 3rd, 9000! = INCORRECT